Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Siri Is Funnier Than You Are

I've decided I want a new job. I want to be a joke writer for machines!

Understand, I've been a stand-up comic and written my own jokes. I've also written jokes for others.

I even sold some jokes that I co-wrote to Jay Leno -- jokes he used in his monologue on The Tonight Show.

But I never imagined I could sell jokes to Apple.

The new iOS 8 has actually made Siri funny!

Yes, your phone and your iPad are now funnier than you are.

An article by Marlow Stern in The Daily Beast compiled these clever responses to the sort of inappropriate questions that users posit to Siri:   

If you ask Siri the following: “What’s zero divided by zero?” you’ll get one helluva response:
“Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.”

This witty—and biting—rejoinder is only one in a long line of funny replies. Here are some other examples of questions/statements you can pose to Siri that will yield fun answers:

You: “Read me a haiku?” 
Siri: “Sometimes I wonder / What it would be like to say / “I’d prefer not to.’
You: “I’m naked.”
Siri: “I don’t understand what you mean by ‘naked.’ Or at least I’m going to pretend that I don’t.”

You: “I’m drunk.”
Siri: “Just don’t breathe on me.”
You: “Are you Her?” [Referencing the movie]
Siri: “I’m afraid not, [your name], but she could never know you better than I do.”

You: What’s your favorite animal?”
Siri: “Maybe a tauntaun. But only when I’m cold.”

You: “Can I borrow some money?”
Siri: “[Your name], you know everything I have is yours.”
You: “Who’s your daddy?”
Siri: “I know this must mean something… everybody keeps saying this.”
You: “Open the pod bay door.”
Siri: “Without your space helmet, [your name], you’re going to find this rather… breathtaking.”
You: “What are you doing later?”
Siri: “I’m working on some pickup lines.”

Now, all I have to do is figure out where I send my application....